Unachievable Aspirations: My Ultimate Bucket List Journey
Written on
Embracing the Challenge
The items on my bucket list may appear straightforward to some, yet each one feels insurmountable to me.
For about a year now, I’ve kept this list stored in my phone notes. The first two goals have lingered in my thoughts for at least fifteen years. Whenever I contemplate these aspirations, my inner voice insists that I can't attain them. I often deceive myself into believing they are too complex, all because I’m afraid that, deep down, I might actually succeed in achieving the extraordinary.
Section 1.1: The Desire to Foster
Foster a Child
The thought of fostering a child fills me with apprehension. If I struggle to manage my two (mostly well-behaved) kids, how could I possibly care for another child, even temporarily? My husband and I agreed to revisit this discussion once we had a guest bedroom, which we now do. I’ve even kept my son’s old rocking horse in there, just in case.
Yet, I find myself making excuses. How can I entertain the idea of fostering if only one of us is fully committed? I often think of deleting it from my list, deeming it absurd. But then I remember what sparked my interest in the first place. Listening to “Runaway Love” by Mary J. Blige and Ludacris brings back memories of those little girls I wanted to save. I watch my best friend, raising her four children, including two she adopted after fostering. She truly made a difference in their lives.
Section 1.2: The Writer Within
Write a Book
My self-doubt often mocks me. Thoughts swirl in my head, telling me I'm not intelligent enough to write and publish a book. Juggling a full-time job feels overwhelming, and I worry about being taken seriously. It’s easy to succumb to the belief that I'm just too sensitive or ordinary. The fear of rejection looms large, convincing me to abandon the idea entirely.
However, as I glance at the countless notebooks I've saved since childhood, I realize they contain something of worth. Plus, my father instilled in me the importance of self-belief.
Subsection 1.2.1: Overcoming Physical Limitations
Complete Another Spin Class
For a long time, my appearance shaped how I navigated life. Society taught me that being thin was key to acceptance, granting me "pretty privilege" alongside racial advantages. Unfortunately, my relationship with food and body image has always been complicated.
After fracturing my left elbow in May 2020, I've struggled to exert any weight on it, leading to constant discomfort. My children jokingly refer to it as my "bad arm." Though I never enjoyed exercising, spin class was the exception. It allowed me to escape into a world of upbeat music and intense workouts, free from male presence.
However, since I could no longer participate, I lost interest in maintaining my weight and ultimately gave up on fitness. Despite some physical therapy sessions, my arm feels like a burden that weighs me down, and some days, I wish it were gone.
Are my aspirations truly unattainable? This question haunts me daily.
Before the world fell for Channing Tatum, I had already adored him as Jason Lyle in "Coach Carter." The movie features Marianne Williamson’s famous poem, “Our Deepest Fear,” which has profoundly impacted me since I was 14 and continues to resonate with me today at 31.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us…”
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. You can explore more of my writings here.
About Me — Alexandra Duncan
A millennial poet and memoirist, navigating life as a mother and wife.
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Shoutout to Yana Bostongirl, Iris B. Stehn, KiKi Walter, Kira Dawn, Victoria Ponte, Lola Rosario, David Rudder, and Poetic Therapy for their inspiring articles and stories that encourage me to share more every day.