Chapter 1: Rethinking Female Condoms

Let’s address the elephant in the room: female condoms are quite peculiar. Rarely has anyone exclaimed, "What a fantastic invention that female condom is!" For those unfamiliar, imagine a hybrid between a ziplock bag and a shower curtain ring. This isn’t entirely fair, though; the very first female condom was crafted from cut-up hospital gloves, likely producing fewer awkward squishy noises than a sandwich bag.

The female condom, introduced in 1993. Source: Wellcome Collection | CC BY 4.0

Most women can relate to the absurdity of this method. First, it requires the finesse of a brain surgeon to insert it properly. Not to mention, they tend to be pricier than their male counterparts. And let's not forget the unappealing terminology—dubbed "the vaginal pouch" (just to clarify, a penis isn’t a baby kangaroo).

The history of female condoms isn't the only bizarre tale in contraceptive methods. The first documented condom was also female, originally intended to ward off “serpents.” According to myth, King Minos of Crete believed his sperm was so powerful that it could attack a vagina like a venomous snake. His solution? A goat’s bladder for his wife, Pasiphae, to defend against his potent seed.

Historical accounts don’t clarify the effectiveness of this serpent repellent, but the quest for female condom alternatives continued. In 1923, author and activist Marie Stopes introduced a female condom made from vulcanized rubber and reinforced with steel. Unfortunately, while women may experiment with jade eggs and yogurt, steel items aren’t exactly trendy in the world of wellness.

The contraceptive cellulose sponge, 'Clinocap' brand. Wellcome Collection | CC BY 4.0

The 1980s ushered in more inventive contraceptive options as women began to liberate themselves from traditional roles. Enter the Today Sponge—a product not meant for scrubbing kitchen counters, but rather for preventing sperm from entering the vagina. Remarkably, this sponge is still available and contributed to my becoming a parent. Thanks, science!

Let’s also touch on the troubling history of birth control pills. The initial test subjects were often women in mental health facilities and impoverished communities in Puerto Rico, many of whom were unaware they were participating in trials. The researchers discovered dangerous side effects but chose to disregard them. Consequently, when the pill was introduced in the 1960s, numerous women experienced severe complications, including blood clots and strokes.

While women have faced serious health risks, men have had a much simpler experience—just don a condom.

What’s next in the world of contraceptives? Researchers are bringing exciting new options to the table.

Chapter 2: Groundbreaking Contraceptive Innovations

Sperm Baths: A Revolutionary Male Contraceptive

After centuries of research, we now have hormone-free male birth control. Introducing the COSO, a sleek device resembling a high-tech foot spa, but designed for male anatomy. Users fill the basin with water according to their size, press a button to heat the water, and then relax in this new-age spa treatment for their testicles.

The COSO employs ultrasound technology to immobilize sperm, preventing them from reaching the egg. While studies so far have only been conducted on rats, the preliminary results are promising. (Regrettably, I wasn’t able to find images of tiny rats enjoying a vibrating bath.)

Recently, this innovative device won the esteemed Dyson Award, raising hopes among researchers. However, some pharmaceutical companies express concerns that the concept of a “ball-zapping” device might scare men away. Perhaps some soothing music and a remote control could help ease their apprehensions.

Organic Condoms: Safe and Eco-Friendly

Many condoms available in stores contain harmful chemicals that can disrupt a woman’s delicate pH balance. Despite the variety of options on the market—ridges, flavors, and bright colors—finding safe ingredients has been a challenge.

Fortunately, Jems, a women-owned company, is changing the game by offering condoms made from natural latex, free from harmful additives, and cruelty-free. The founders, Yasemin Emory and Whitney Geller, aim to appeal to health-conscious Gen Z consumers while addressing rising STD rates.

Semen-Blocking Gel: A Novel Approach

If a spa treatment for your testicles doesn’t appeal, consider a semen-blocking gel. Researchers at Washington State University have developed a gel that captures prostate-specific antigens in ejaculation, preventing sperm from moving. This gel functions like a spermicidal product but aims to achieve a higher efficacy rate compared to current options, which have a failure rate of 13% to 21%.

In essence, envision a scene reminiscent of Ghostbusters, where a green monster captures your sperm in a gooey trap.

Note: None of the above constitutes medical advice, and I do not endorse these products. For personalized contraception plans, please consult a healthcare professional.