Finding Balance: A Prayer for Normalcy and Healing
Written on
Chapter 1: The Morning After
Today I woke up feeling disoriented, as if I had overindulged in drinks the night before, even though that wasn't the case. My back felt rigid, and I stumbled as I stood, a clear indication of a restless night. I found myself waking repeatedly, comforted only by jotting down my thoughts. I received a message from my ex-fiancé, whom I had emailed. Although I, like many others, believe we were not meant to be, I still find myself checking for his replies late into the night. The significant shifts in my life since leaving the Midwest continue to astound me.
For the first time in years, I have access to medical care, though, unfortunately, my needs are quite extensive. Today, I scheduled five appointments with different specialists. While blood tests and X-ray results have come back, I can’t pinpoint any major harm to my health aside from the occasional cigarette. I suspect that the rapid decline in my health stems from the stress of past traumas, including an assault, years of being stalked, and frustrating interactions with certain individuals. Nevertheless, I am deeply thankful for those who have stood by me during these challenging times; without their support, I would feel utterly lost. The sheer number of health concerns I face is daunting, but I'm grateful that my job allows me to set aside one day a week for medical appointments and tests. Today, I felt it necessary to take a sick day.
I grapple with guilt over this decision, especially considering my current condition—even with permission. However, as my colleague reminds me, it’s rare for employers to genuinely care about employee well-being. The uncertainty of whether I will regain my previous level of functionality hangs over me, but their trust in me offers some degree of comfort.
Section 1.1: Thoughts of the Past
Despite the slim chances of hearing from my ex-fiancé after nearly two years, he remains on my mind. I often find myself putting his needs ahead of my own; his commitment to finishing his degree and teaching children with disabilities is something I greatly respect. Yet, I recognize that his controlling tendencies would require me to sacrifice my career to avoid overshadowing him. He is in my thoughts and prayers, just as he claimed to pray for me daily during our last conversation. I feel that our relationship’s end has aged me prematurely, compounded by my experiences in the air force.
Subsection 1.1.1: Seeking Divine Support
I yearn for someone to intercede on my behalf to St. Benedict, asking for divine aid in my health struggles. It would indeed be miraculous to wake up tomorrow feeling restored to my former self. Despite the obstacles I face, I remain committed to enhancing my health and overall well-being. I fervently hope my efforts will bear fruit; living with a disability is not a life I desire. Although it may be embarrassing, challenging, and painful, I will continue to push forward.
Section 1.2: The Strength Within
Although my physical state is affected, my spirit remains unbroken. With determination and a focus on regaining my strength, I believe brighter days are on the horizon.
Chapter 2: A Call for Healing
In the video titled "Simple Prayer For Normal People," Pete Greig shares heartfelt insights on how to connect with the divine through simple yet profound prayers. His approach emphasizes that prayer doesn’t need to be complicated to be effective; it's about sincerity and the desire for healing and normalcy.