How to Ensure Your Voice is Heard in Relationships
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Understanding Communication Dynamics
I recently participated in couples therapy, which was essential as I navigate the process of filing for divorce. The focus of our sessions has been on co-parenting and enhancing communication. After eight sessions, the therapist has shared her thoughts on my decision to pursue a divorce.
She believes I need to articulate my thoughts more effectively to encourage my husband to address his emotionally abusive and dismissive behaviors. The expectation is that I should allow him more time to change. However, I question why the onus of clear communication falls solely on my shoulders. Why should I sacrifice more of my life for someone who has caused me pain?
The therapist's responses included:
- "Because you’re married."
- "Because you have children."
- "Because he’s making an effort to change."
- "Because you’re not without faults."
- "Because you haven't given him sufficient time."
While he hasn't physically harmed me or cheated, emotional abuse can be insidious, gradually eroding your sense of self until you feel like you're the one at fault, seeking therapy to understand how to fix the situation and salvage the relationship.
Then, a lightbulb moment occurs: you learn about emotional abuse, manipulation, and control tactics, leading you to think, “What have I gotten myself into?”
Fast forward five months, and I’m being told to find my voice?
After experiencing my words being dismissed, contradicted, belittled, and rejected repeatedly, I ponder when it becomes the listener's duty to actually listen. How many times must I express myself before the responsibility shifts to the other party?
Section 1.1 The Complexity of Listening
In my quest for clarity on this pressing issue, I uncovered some intriguing insights:
- Barriers to Effective Listening: Numerous negative listening behaviors exist, from interruptions to aggressive listening. Factors such as timing, environment, and personal biases significantly influence how a message is perceived. (Source: Lumenlearning.com)
- Emotional Synchrony: When two people are emotionally in sync, their brainwaves can align, enhancing communication and comprehension. This synchronization fosters a rhythmic exchange during conversations. (Source: J. Stephens et al., 2010)
- Illusion of Transparency: Speakers often fall prey to the “illusion of transparency,” mistakenly believing they have communicated their message more clearly than they actually have. (Source: N. Fay et al., 2010)
- Cultural and Individual Differences: The characteristics of both speaker and listener impact communication. These traits are shaped by cultural contexts and individual experiences. (Source: S. Fairchild, 2018)
- Gender Communication Styles: Typically, men and women are socialized to adopt different communication styles. Women often learn to downplay their assertiveness, while men are encouraged to be decisive. (Source: Harvard Business Review)
Section 1.2 Addressing the Speaker's Role
Admittedly, I sought validation for my belief that the listener holds most of the communication responsibility. However, the reality is more nuanced. Yes, I must enhance my ability to communicate clearly.
My therapist plans to help me with assertiveness training soon. It’s crucial that I express my thoughts directly instead of remaining silent for the sake of maintaining peace, which often only benefits the listener. My truth matters just as much as anyone else's in a conversation.
I need to communicate clearly instead of hinting or dropping subtle cues, which can be a form of manipulation if I’m trying to avoid confrontation.
The Listener's Accountability
However, listeners must also put aside distractions, biases, and preconceived notions to truly hear what is being said. They should not listen merely to respond, advise, win an argument, or contradict, but to genuinely understand the speaker's message. If the moment isn’t right for listening, it’s important to communicate that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article! Remember, you are valuable and deserving of love. Live authentically, and have a wonderful day!
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