Chapter 1: Confronting Bad Habits

It’s a common belief that everyone has their vices, and for me, one of mine made me feel “cool.” The idea of giving up is often seen as the new trend.

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash

“Karen, smoking doesn’t elevate your status!” This was the refrain from every adult authority figure during my teenage years in the late 1980s. Back then, I would passionately argue that my desire to fit in wasn’t the reason I lit up.

Now, as I embark on my journey to quit smoking, I recognize how deeply intertwined it was with my identity. It gave me a sense of coolness, albeit not in the conventional sense.

I turned to smoking during a period marked by low self-worth, depression, and overwhelming stress that I couldn't handle. It created a barrier between me and others, offering a false sense of security and confidence while it remained my constant companion for 40 years.

My mother once inquired when I would quit smoking to enhance my lifespan and enjoy life more fully. My retort was, “Why would I want to live longer?”

Throughout the years, I only attempted to quit for the duration of my pregnancies and nursing, quickly resuming the habit when it was safe for my baby. Outside those moments, the thought of quitting never crossed my mind.

Photo by Dimitri Bong on Unsplash

Gradually, however, smoking began to betray me, much like every other addiction often does. It turned into a complicated love/hate dynamic; I cherished the comfort it provided but despised the grip it had on my life.

About a decade ago, while driving one evening, a group of young men called out to me at a stoplight, saying, “You’re too pretty to smoke.” I wanted to respond with a clever retort, but as I spoke, my voice faltered, resulting in an awkward stammer that prompted laughter from them. I felt utterly humiliated.

My voice was changing, exercising became increasingly strenuous, and standing outside in cold, rainy weather to smoke lost its appeal. My hands suffered from constant washing as I tried to mask the lingering odor of cigarettes.

The anxiety of planning my smoking breaks grew unbearable. Now that I’m in my middle years, I can even recognize the visible effects of smoking on my skin, particularly the wrinkles forming around my lips.

In early February, I made the decision to quit. Equipped with healthier coping mechanisms, I felt it was time to reclaim my life from this controlling habit. I wanted to be present for my loved ones and support them through their journeys.

It feels incredibly empowering to dismantle that wall and experience life without cigarettes.

Thank you for reading. If you're facing any form of addiction, remember that there is hope.

Chapter 2: Breaking Down to Break Through

This video features a mashup of Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift's hits, highlighting the struggles and triumphs associated with bad habits and addiction.

In this video, Usher delivers powerful lyrics about overcoming bad habits, resonating with anyone on the path to recovery.