In society, there's a reluctance to confront certain truths about how we love one another. It isn't simply about attraction, personal love languages, or sexual orientation. When asked about unconditional love, many will assert, “Absolutely, I love my partner unconditionally; that’s expected!” However, numerous conditions often underpin this love, revealing themselves in everyday interactions.

The nuances of love are particularly highlighted in parenting. The unspoken truth lies in how children are nurtured.

> The essential role of parents extends beyond ensuring their child's basic needs; it's about conveying an unwavering message: the child is loved just as they are, without needing to earn it through behavior or achievements. This love exists irrespective of how the child acts, whether they are deemed "good" or "bad." > > — Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture

Most parents strive to do right by their children. They often believe they’re providing the best upbringing possible, yet, whether consciously or not, their parenting can sometimes stem from self-criticism disguised as dedication. This dynamic often leads them to reject "undesirable" behaviors while promoting acceptable ones, which can inadvertently hinder a child's genuine self-expression.

Although children may become well-adjusted, compliant members of society, this often comes at the expense of their authenticity. For instance, parents frequently adopt a harsh approach when motivating their children in academics or sports. They may resort to criticism or punishment when children struggle, forgetting that kids don't enter the world with all the skills needed to excel in these areas.

Often, this cycle of punishment is perpetuated by parents who themselves faced similar treatment as children, emphasizing achievement over emotional support. This results in a conditional form of love where success is the only means to receiving affection.

Additionally, young boys are typically socialized to suppress certain emotions, such as:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Anxiety

Conversely, they are encouraged to express:

• Happiness
• Excitement
• Pride

My own upbringing involved navigating a tumultuous family environment, where my reactions to boundary violations were met with anger and dismissal. I faced constant criticism for expressing my feelings, which were deemed selfish by an adult who struggled with their own emotions. While I don’t wish to portray myself as a victim, I recognize that these experiences have shaped my emotional landscape, which I continue to explore in adulthood.

The existence of self-help resources for "reparenting your inner child" underscores the longing for acceptance that many feel. In an ideal world, where unconditional love flourished, such practices wouldn’t be necessary.

The challenge extends into romantic relationships where partners often invalidate each other's emotions.

> "To love is to recognize yourself in another." > > — Eckhart Tolle

Emotional invalidation occurs when a partner either misunderstands or disregards the feelings of the other. This is rarely intentional; many individuals are conditioned to suppress their feelings and may not even realize the harm in telling their partner how they should feel. Such invalidation can escalate conversations into arguments or withdrawal.

Examples of this behavior include dismissive phrases like:

• “I have so much going on; your feelings aren’t my priority.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “There’s nothing to be upset about.”

Such statements subtly communicate to a partner that their emotions are unwelcome. For instance, a partner struggling with alcohol use may deflect their own issues while discouraging expressions of sadness in others. It’s crucial to understand that feeling sad is a natural part of the human experience; it doesn’t equate to being depressed or suicidal.

A compassionate adult recognizes the importance of accepting all emotions—both "positive" and "negative." Emotions serve as the body’s signals, guiding us through life.

If you are in a relationship with a partner who constantly keeps busy, perhaps pursuing academic goals or managing various projects, they may be avoiding their feelings. While they may appear driven, they might be using these distractions to escape their emotional reality.

This lack of empathy and acceptance is not true love.

A final example illustrates this point: A man’s fiancée might have a history of expressing her anger inappropriately, yet he may be oblivious to her underlying rage. His own emotional responses may be influenced by her suppressed feelings. When he expresses his anger, she struggles to accept it, believing that everyone should bottle up their emotions like she does.

> "You can only love someone else to the extent that you love yourself."

As a reflective exercise, consider writing down “I dislike myself because…” This isn’t an invitation for self-hatred but rather a prompt to explore aspects of yourself that you struggle to accept.

It's challenging to believe that someone can unconditionally love another if they are unable to embrace parts of themselves. Individuals often find themselves drawn to partners who embody the traits they disown within themselves, creating an unbalanced dynamic.

Similar to sexual attraction, we often seek out partners who reflect our own unresolved qualities.

> "Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you." > > — Eckhart Tolle

The issue of unrealistic expectations in relationships is pervasive.

Dating apps present a landscape filled with demands: A single mother may seek a partner to support her while offering little in return, while others may desire attributes such as wealth or physical appearance without acknowledging their own shortcomings.

People often impose extensive expectations on potential partners without recognizing their own areas for growth.

The essence of love and relationships lies in mutual growth rather than reliance on another to fill emotional voids. Seek a partner who demonstrates the potential and willingness to evolve alongside you. The myth of finding a "perfect" partner only leads to a cycle of disappointment.

Ultimately, the conditional love often demonstrated in childhood influences how partners interact in adulthood, leading to a cycle of emotional invalidation. If partners could fully accept their own emotions, they would be better equipped to empathize with the feelings of others.

The unrealistic expectations prevalent in the dating scene do not foster true acceptance.

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