Say Goodbye to Toxic Positivity: A Personal Rant
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Understanding Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is a prevalent issue. Unless you've been isolated for a while, you’ve likely encountered it numerous times. Many of us have felt pressured to adopt an overly positive outlook, leading to feelings of inadequacy or spiritual deficiency if we don’t comply. This attitude strips us of our fundamental human right to experience sadness or anger temporarily. It promotes the avoidance of negative emotions, which can be detrimental to mental well-being. The healthier approach involves recognizing, accepting, processing, and ultimately moving on from these feelings. Denial and avoidance do not facilitate growth; they merely encourage us to pretend.
We often find ourselves focusing on avoiding negative emotions instead of accepting them. This approach is not healthy, nor is it in line with the teachings of the spiritual leaders many seem to emulate. From Buddha to Michael Singer, Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, and the Stoics, the concepts of acceptance and allowance are central to their philosophies.
As humans, we are entitled to feel down from time to time. Our growth comes from experiencing pain and loss, not evading them. Feelings of negativity serve as indicators that something is amiss between our realities and our expectations, desires, or beliefs. It’s a personal spiritual journey that each person must navigate at their own pace, and I’m currently working on this for myself.
True positivity, characterized by genuine optimism, is beneficial. It’s authentic, uplifting, and, above all, meaningful, rather than just a collection of feel-good phrases strung together.
The first video, "Toxic Positivity does NOT mean being 'too positive!' It's about controlling people," dives into the nuances of toxic positivity and how it can manipulate emotions.
The Misuse of Optimism
Phrases like “everything happens for a reason” can be exasperating when offered as consolation. They imply that the person grieving is incapable of recognizing any good amidst their struggles. While there may be a silver lining in the future, it is the individual’s responsibility to navigate their own healing process, rather than being left to question what they’re missing or what’s wrong with them for feeling hurt.
My motivation for sharing this story stems from a recent encounter with my neighbor, Ms. Pollyanna Roper. One frigid day, with temperatures plummeting to -5C/28F and a power outage affecting our heating, I was engaged in discussions about bypassing the “smart” thermostat to activate the propane heat. Ms. Roper’s response? “I’m so happy we have running water!”
This is a classic example of toxic positivity. Her comment dismissed my genuine concern and effort to find a solution, burying it beneath an avalanche of snow.
Imagine our ancestors having similar conversations: “Honey, the fire is dwindling, but thankfully we have water!” Or, “Wilma! The rock seems to be cracking, but don’t worry, Fred, we’ve got water!”
Here are more examples of toxic positivity I’ve encountered: - “At least the sun is shining!” (after a devastating storm that nearly caused significant damage) - “There’s no need to be sad; at least you had a dog.” (in the wake of losing my beloved pet) - “At least I can hear them!” (when neighbors were setting off fireworks nightly, disrupting our peace)
These remarks are unhelpful; they pacify rather than support. In times of struggle, we require more than empty reassurances. When Ms. Roper attempted to convey positivity, it made me feel guilty, as if I were merely complaining while she lived in blissful ignorance.
The reality is that when the power goes out in freezing temperatures, I want to ensure that we have a way to generate heat. To her, the situation seemed resolved, but for me, it was a source of anxiety. Living in a remote area, losing power poses real challenges, and pretending otherwise does not alleviate the situation.
This is not optimism; it’s toxic positivity. Such attitudes hinder progress and encourage avoidance of real issues, stifling our ability to find effective solutions. It belittles the feelings of those we engage with, rendering the conversation dismissive and pointless.
Striving for Genuine Positivity
As we aim to cultivate genuine optimism, we must ensure it doesn’t impede our progress. True optimism uplifts without causing self-doubt. It doesn’t make others feel inferior or diminish their experiences.
I now find myself looking around cautiously to avoid encounters with Ms. Roper. I often divert my gaze or focus on my phone to steer clear of her presence.
Comments like “chin up” or “tears are for babies and losers” are condescending at best. They imply superiority and strip away any good intentions you may have had. When people start avoiding you, it’s a clear sign that your positivity is toxic. In contrast, genuinely positive individuals attract others; they invite conversations and connections.
I envy the few truly optimistic people I know. I don’t shy away from them but rather seek their company and perspectives.
It’s crucial to eradicate toxic positivity as we would any harmful influence. Authentic optimism flows naturally; it’s not something we should pretend to possess. Those we interact with can discern authenticity.
I’m not advocating for wallowing in negativity, but we must confront our life situations in the manner that suits us best. If you find someone’s energy unappealing, it’s best to remain silent.
If you’re at a loss for meaningful words, it’s often better to say nothing at all. A simple, “I’m here for you, even if I don’t know what to say,” can be far more comforting than offering empty platitudes. I wish Ms. Roper would refrain from commenting unless she has something genuinely supportive to contribute.
And with that, I conclude my rant. Perhaps I’ll start a “Dear Neighbor” series to document these encounters.
The second video, "What Is Toxic Positivity?" explores the concept in more depth, shedding light on its implications for emotional health.