Understanding the Division of Labor

In the United States, women dedicate an average of 4.5 hours daily to housework and childcare, compared to just 2.8 hours for men, according to the latest figures from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. Even in countries like Sweden, which strive for gender equality, women still spend nearly an hour more each day on these responsibilities.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Recent studies indicate that the additional responsibilities women undertake can be as demanding and mentally taxing as a full-time job.

Clinical psychologist Darcy Lockman, author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, asserts that the narrative of the actively engaged father is overly optimistic. While men increased their share of domestic tasks in the 1980s and ’90s, the trend plateaued without achieving true equality, with mothers still managing 65% of the workload.

The physical chores are just one component of domestic life; the mental load—the planning, organizing, and delegating that keeps a household running—is often overlooked. Rachell Carrell, a contributor for Forbes, explains this concept: “Mental load, or emotional labor, involves keeping track of a myriad of tasks, from grocery lists to school communications. It’s akin to project management, a term we use in professional settings but lack a specific word for in domestic life.”

Assessing the Mental Load

Recent research has quantified the extent of this mental burden. A Harris Poll surveying 2,000 US parents revealed that managing family schedules and household responsibilities occupies 63% of parents' cognitive space daily, amounting to over 30 hours of effort each week. If this coordination were monetized, it would equate to a substantial salary.

According to Libby Rodney, chief strategy officer at Harris Poll, this analysis highlights the significant, often unrecognized burden of mental labor on parents, equating it to a full-time job valued at $60,000 a year. This immense mental load not only overworks parents but also detracts from the joys of parenting and partnership.

Another study published in the Archives of Women’s Mental Health examined the division of responsibilities among 322 mothers in two-parent households. Participants evaluated their involvement in 30 common household tasks, revealing a stark gender imbalance. Mothers completed 73% of cognitive labor and 64% of physical tasks, whereas fathers managed only 27% and 36%, respectively.

Notably, the only area where fathers outperformed mothers was in taking out the trash.

The Roots of Inequality

Reflecting on my own marriage and those of friends who anticipated sharing responsibilities, I find myself questioning why so many women still bear the brunt of household work.

The answer may lie in how men and women perceive fairness. Research published in Social Psychology Quarterly found that those who take advantage of others often feel guilt and self-blame, while those who feel exploited experience anger and resentment. Interestingly, women tend to feel worse when they do less household labor than their husbands, while men feel worse when they do more.

As Lockman summarizes, “Men might feel discomfort while resting as their wives handle the tasks, but their frustration escalates if roles are reversed.” This dynamic contributes to a troubling cycle: some fathers feel entitled to shirk responsibilities, while many exhausted mothers resort to taking over the chores.

Why Men Avoid Responsibilities

When men neglect their fair share, it can signal an entitlement to women’s labor. In their book, Gender and Families, Scott Coltrane and Michele Adams argue that some men may choose to do less simply because it benefits them. By passively avoiding responsibilities, they uphold a gendered division of labor that privileges men.

Lockman’s interviews with 50 couples revealed several reasons for this imbalance, articulated by the mothers involved:

• Lack of awareness: “While I’m rushing to prepare lunches and help with homework, my husband is obliviously sitting with his coffee, scrolling on his phone.”
• Different standards: “His approach to doing dishes doesn’t meet my expectations. He might load the dishwasher, but the counters and table remain messy, so I have to clean up after him.”
• Strategic incompetence: “I handle cooking due to dietary needs. If I left it to him, our kids would eat processed meals.”

While some men employ these tactics at home, they rarely do so in the workplace. Sociologist Michael Kimmel notes that if an employee were to stop fulfilling a task after receiving feedback, it would be unacceptable.

The Role of the Default Parent

Societal norms also contribute to this imbalance. Women often feel pressured to maintain a clean home and face judgment if they don’t. Conversely, men might receive praise for participating in routine chores, reinforcing the notion that parenting is primarily a mother’s duty.

Many fathers claim they “help” with tasks, which emphasizes the belief that caregiving is ultimately the mother’s responsibility, as noted by sociologist Susan Walzer in Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Transitions into Parenthood. She explains, “The default assumption is that the mother is responsible unless she requests assistance.” This mindset can create tension in couples, particularly for wives who anticipated equal partnerships.

Moreover, in the US and other countries with weak family policies, men’s reluctance to share responsibilities can leave women overwhelmed. Sociologist Jessica Calarco argues in her book, Holding it Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net, that society offloads the caregiving burden onto women, as other nations provide social safety nets.

The Mental Health Toll

The expectation for women to be perpetual caregivers and household managers can lead to exhaustion and stress. A 2022 meta-analysis encompassing 19 studies with over 70,000 participants found that increased unpaid labor correlates with deteriorating mental health for women, as published in The Lancet Public Health.

Further research in the Archives of Women’s Health linked the cognitive workload to higher levels of depression, stress, and burnout among women. Health issues often arise when mothers sacrifice sleep and leisure to manage their responsibilities.

Caregivers, predominantly women, experience heightened stress and health complications compared to those without such responsibilities, according to the Office on Women’s Health, a US federal agency.

Ultimately, this inequality can strain relationships, with research indicating that dissatisfaction with the division of labor can lead to divorce.

The Importance of Communication

Achieving an egalitarian partnership is a challenge for many women, as it was for me. Expecting my husband to value my career equally to his own resulted in a painful divorce that affected our family’s well-being.

Fortunately, I am now in a supportive, equitable relationship. However, I empathize with today’s young mothers who are tasked with managing household and childcare duties during a time when pay equity is stagnant and reproductive rights are under threat. The recent surge of support for figures like US Vice President Kamala Harris could signify that overworked women are voicing their frustrations.

As gender roles evolve and family dynamics shift, how can we progress? One essential factor is fairness; couples need to communicate more effectively about organizing their responsibilities. For those seeking guidance, the free Fair Play Cards can serve as a fun tool to help couples divide their domestic tasks.

Lockman recommends that couples dedicate an hour each month to discuss their responsibilities, assessing what works and what doesn’t. “The successful couples I spoke with approached parity as a collaborative goal,” Lockman shared with NPR. “They could address when one partner felt overwhelmed and recalibrate their efforts. Staying proactive was crucial.”

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