Chapter 1: A Sudden Collapse

At the age of 14, while I was completing my Geometry homework in my room, an urgent need to use the restroom struck me. I quickly jumped from my chair, but the next thing I recall was lying on the cold floor of my hallway, my head throbbing and a fog of confusion enveloping me. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to understand what had just happened.

What I experienced was a blackout, and this incident has recurred throughout my life. Now at 27, I find that whenever I stand up, my vision often fades to black. Although it may not seem particularly alarming, it becomes more serious when this blackout transforms into a dizzy spell, leaving me disoriented, falling, and losing control of my limbs, which then twitch uncontrollably. That aspect truly concerns me.

I don’t black out every time I rise; sometimes, I can go weeks without any vision disturbances. Yet, the next episode is always lurking in the background, a constant reminder of my condition.

I have consulted multiple doctors regarding my symptoms. They considered various possibilities, from low iron levels to hypertension, and even speculated that my blood pressure was erratic—though it wasn’t. At one point, narcolepsy was suggested as a potential diagnosis. However, no one could pinpoint the exact reason behind my blackouts. Since I can function normally and experience minimal discomfort, there’s no urgent cause for alarm.

While I am thankful that my mysterious ailment is relatively mild, I know many individuals face debilitating autoimmune diseases and chronic pain with no identifiable source. A year ago, my cousin, who was in her mid-50s, suddenly fell ill. Her condition deteriorated until she passed away in her sleep months later. Despite extensive medical investigations, her illness remained a mystery, ultimately classified as “Failure to Thrive,” a term typically reserved for infants or the elderly.

Such illnesses are heartbreaking. I can only imagine the anguish, confusion, and frustration that accompanies a lack of answers, compounded by physical suffering. Western medicine undoubtedly possesses remarkable technologies that save lives daily. Cancer mortality rates are decreasing, and strides are being made toward treating crippling diseases.

Yet, there are times when doctors lack all the answers. Regardless of their efforts, some conditions defy the knowledge contained in textbooks and medical training. Consequently, those of us grappling with such unexplainable illnesses are often left without clear answers.

We must find ways to cope, both physically and mentally, which can be challenging without a guidebook. The feelings of being misunderstood, isolated, or dismissed as merely having “imaginary” issues can be incredibly disheartening. It can feel lonely and unjust. However, we eventually learn to navigate these challenges.

For over a decade, I’ve managed my blackout episodes. I’ve discovered that if I bend over and lower my head, my vision often returns. There have certainly been moments when I’ve dropped a coffee mug or injured myself against a dresser during a fainting spell.

One morning, while my aunt was present, I experienced a particularly intense episode. I stood up to make a smoothie, only to see the familiar darkening creeping into my vision. Suddenly, I lost my balance and collapsed, limbs twitching uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity (though it was likely only ten seconds). When my sight returned, I looked up to see my aunt’s shocked expression. Embarrassment washed over me as she exclaimed, “What the heck was that?” I brushed it off and retreated to my room.

Overall, I have learned to manage my condition and have accepted it as a mystery. Recently, however, I’ve started to contemplate my future. The reality is that I won’t always possess the physical resilience of a twenty-something. What if I were to fall and injure myself seriously? For older adults, a simple fall can be life-threatening.

My greatest concern is what would happen if I were holding a future child during a blackout. Sometimes, I have the presence of mind to set things down before losing control, but what if an episode was severe enough that I couldn’t? Should I rely on the availability of a nearby chair to safely place my newborn as I succumb to my condition?

While I’ve always thought worrying about the future was trivial, I now realize that such scenarios become increasingly plausible as I age. At some point, these fears will become part of my reality, simply because medical professionals haven’t identified what’s wrong with me.

But for now, I’ll manage those concerns when they arise. Until then, I’ll continue living as a single 27-year-old woman who occasionally experiences blackouts. Perhaps I should include that in my Bumble profile.

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This video discusses the various reasons behind fainting and blackouts, exploring the underlying causes and what individuals can do to manage these episodes.

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