This isn't your Grandma or Mama’s attachment theory

In college, I learned about attachment in a more traditional context, but it has since evolved significantly. Today's interpretations are not just outdated concepts but have been modernized and made relatable. These styles are now widely available online, often with updated terminology—except for secure attachment, which remains unchanged.

Secure attachment represents children who experience consistent parenting and seek comfort from their caregivers when frightened.

Relationship Motto: I’m here for the long haul.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Individuals who had their needs overlooked as children tend to prioritize independence over relationships, making intimate connections difficult.

Relationship Motto: I’m out of here.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

These individuals experienced unreliable caregiving, fostering a fear of love despite a deep-seated desire for it. They often struggle with conflicting emotions.

Relationship Motto: Should I stay or go? I’m out, but wait—should I remain?

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Adults with this style often become caretakers in their relationships, fearing abandonment and seeking constant reassurance, which may lead to enmeshment.

Relationship Motto: I know you love me, but can you reaffirm that with more sincerity?

It was during this exploration that I recognized my own fearful-avoidant tendencies. Despite holding a psychology and counseling degree, I was unaware of the updated attachment theories. Once I began to understand these concepts, I couldn't ignore their significance in my life.

Yes, please, I am interested in self-paced online therapy

It had been over two decades since my last therapy session, which was a positive experience, but I felt no need to return. Instead, I embarked on a self-guided therapeutic journey through the online Personal Development School, founded by Thais Gibson.

I invested $150 for a three-month subscription, immersing myself in nearly 30 modules and accompanying workbooks. Every cent spent was worth it. The newfound understanding of attachment theory and its profound implications left me eager to learn more.

Where did attachment theory originate?

Throughout my therapeutic experiences, attachment styles were rarely discussed. However, in recent years, they have gained mainstream attention, particularly in the context of romantic relationships.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, originally focused on parent-child relationships. Only recently have researchers begun applying these concepts to adult relationships, revealing how family dynamics can deeply influence our capacity to love and connect.

The perception that early childhood attachments are fixed has shifted; advocates now see adult attachment styles as adaptable and fluid. This means we can actively engage in understanding and healing our emotional wounds.

Understanding Your Style

Numerous online resources exist, similar to those from The Personal Development School, that offer worksheets to help identify emotional triggers and provide coping techniques. Many motivational figures, including Tony Robbins, emphasize the importance of reprogramming the subconscious.

By taking an attachment style quiz, I confirmed my findings about my own tendencies. Journaling, which I hadn’t done in years, became a therapeutic outlet. Within four months, I filled over 100 pages, confronting my subconscious fears and limiting beliefs.

Identifying with a specific attachment style, even one that is uncomfortable, can provide profound clarity. Acknowledging my fearful-avoidant nature illuminated my struggles with intimacy.

The Final Breakthrough That Nearly Broke Me

Having grappled with relationships throughout my life, I found solace in solitude. Yet, I enjoyed casual dating, even as I struggled to be vulnerable. My abandonment issues were evident, but I believed they stemmed from my mother’s unpredictable parenting.

However, a pivotal childhood memory surfaced during a journaling session that revealed a deeper source of my fears. My parents had taken in two cousins after a tragic loss, and when they suddenly left, I was left with unresolved feelings of abandonment. This experience shaped my emotional landscape and influenced my relationships for years.

In my past counseling sessions, there had been vague suggestions about seeking therapy again in middle age. Little did I know that my next step would involve an online program rich in self-exploration.

Contrasting Therapy Experiences

With my background in counseling, I understood the therapeutic process well. While there was an online community for support, I chose a solitary approach. I never attended webinars offered by Thais or other counselors, but I found immense value in my self-directed exploration.

This journey proved more enlightening than my months spent with licensed therapists, even those who were excellent. This method may not suit everyone, nor does it replace professional therapy, but it is a viable option for those seeking a different approach.

Self-Directed Success

The flexibility of this program allowed me to progress at my own pace. I gained a transformative perspective on my relationships and a toolkit for personal development. My experience was enriching, leading to breakthroughs concerning emotional wounds I had buried for years.

Any process that facilitates healing from past traumas is a success, and my online experience exemplified this. It demonstrated that emotional barriers can be overcome through both traditional and innovative methods.

The video titled "Attachment theory is the science of love | Anne Power | TEDxWaldegrave Road" offers insights into the transformative potential of attachment theory in understanding love and relationships.

Disclaimer: The reflections shared here stem from personal experiences and should not be construed as professional advice. Consultation with qualified professionals is always recommended. The author receives no compensation for discussing the Personal Development School.

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© 2024 Bette A. Ludwig: All rights reserved.