Understanding the Toxicity of Unsolicited Advice

When I entered the corporate landscape at 23, I was filled with apprehension and eager to contribute positively. However, I soon found myself the subject of various complaints, feeling alienated and questioning my value within the team.

The Events That Unfolded

• I opted to work out during lunch rather than join my colleagues for meals, which led to perceptions of me being aloof.
• My choice of attire, particularly pairing tights with knee-length dresses, made others uneasy, resulting in my supervisor sending me home without pay multiple times.
• A male coworker reported me to HR for allegedly being rude during explanations.
• HR subsequently enrolled me in a course on improving my social interactions, suggesting I should aim to be more agreeable.

I felt embarrassed and out of place, struggling to make ends meet on a meager salary of $14/hour. I relied on the gym and inexpensive clothes to get by, but the frequent reprimands from older male colleagues were distressing. When HR attributed their hostility to my behavior, it left me feeling inadequate. My attempts to express my viewpoint were dismissed, labeling me as overly sensitive. Even on my last day, HR denied my request for an exit interview, effectively silencing me.

Throughout this period, I maintained a journal, documenting my feelings daily. While I do not hold my coworkers accountable for my challenging experience, as they were simply trying to conform, I do fault the company. It perpetuated a toxic, masculine environment that normalized gaslighting.

The Role of Advice-Givers

There were numerous individuals offering advice, seemingly with good intentions, aiming to help me navigate the workplace. However, upon reflection, their suggestions aimed to reshape me to fit a mold, reinforcing the status quo. I was advised to alter my personality and tone, with common phrases like "That's just how he is" or "This is how we operate" that dismissed my individuality and contributions.

Such advice is prevalent in many organizations. Regardless of intent, inauthentic guidance can be damaging. It shifts the responsibility onto women to conform and adjust themselves to accommodate patriarchal standards. The strategies promoted for surviving in a male-dominated environment only perpetuate outdated norms. My experience dates back to 2008, but it is neither the first nor the last.

Consider the Ernst & Young workshop aimed at women, held in 2019 during the height of the Me Too movement, which drew widespread disbelief at its insensitivity. Such sessions, while seemingly well-meaning, confine women to the status quo, allowing companies to avoid confronting gender biases and fostering genuine cultural change. Gaslighting serves to maintain existing power dynamics.

Deep-Rooted Societal and Professional Gaslighting

"I must tell you — he won’t like your voice, so try to lower it." These words from a female executive before my meeting with the male CEO were dishearteningly familiar. It’s infuriating that women must modify themselves to be acceptable in male-dominated spaces.

From childhood, women are subjected to societal norms—dress codes, expectations to be agreeable, and accolades for physical appearance. Early lessons in etiquette and grooming reinforced a need to conform. Despite my efforts to align with these ideals, I still faced scrutiny regarding my voice, demeanor, and appearance throughout my career. It’s rare to find a woman who hasn’t been told to be assertive yet not too assertive.

The Unseen Damage of Well-Meaning Advice

Seemingly benign comments and advice can accumulate and become harmful, leading to feelings of inadequacy and sparking imposter syndrome. Unsolicited advice often disregards a person's unique skills and ambitions, instead imposing assumptions and judgments.

Repeated critiques of my voice—whether described as shrill or too soft—began to erode my confidence. Even though many who offered this advice believed they were being helpful, the impact was detrimental. I often found myself hesitant to speak up, worried about how I would be perceived. Ultimately, I was told to address my imposter syndrome, a clever way for organizations to shift accountability for negative experiences onto individuals.

Women are urged to amend their behavior rather than challenge the outdated norms ingrained in our society and workplaces.

Recognizing Gaslighting

Gaslighting can lead to a distortion of one’s reality. I began to doubt my understanding of situations, labeling myself as difficult and unkind. This self-doubt mirrors experiences from childhood, reinforcing the notion that my perceptions were unreliable.

Gaslighting can manifest as: - Anxiety and confusion - Persistent feelings of unworthiness - Questioning one's sanity and memories - Difficulty in trusting oneself

It can occur in various settings—meetings, informal chats, and performance reviews—often characterized by: - Dismissing your experiences - Minimizing feelings with phrases like "Don't take it personally" - Defaulting to stereotypes about women - Avoiding difficult conversations or feedback - Distracting from the core issue - Generalizing feedback with absolutes - Shifting blame without accountability - Withholding crucial information

Companies often employ a dual approach, initially courting employees during recruitment only to disregard their input once hired. Leaders encourage open dialogue but often label those who speak up as troublesome. Toxic workplaces can mimic abusive relationships, leaving individuals feeling trapped.

Strategies for Addressing Gaslighting

• Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, investigate that feeling.
• Keep records of your experiences to maintain a sense of reality.
• Seek support from a trusted friend or counselor to process your feelings.
• Engage in daily affirmations to reinforce your self-worth. My personal affirmation is: "I trust in my intuition and talents."

While protecting your mental health is vital, deciding whether to stay or leave a toxic environment is equally important. I recognized patterns that indicated when a workplace was unhealthy for me. If I found myself excessively taking notes or feeling overwhelmed, it was a sign to reevaluate my situation.

Understanding these patterns allows for the establishment of boundaries and the recognition of when to seek a healthier environment. Gaslighting constitutes a betrayal that necessitates healing. Toxic workplaces can have grave repercussions on mental health, often exacerbated by earlier experiences related to family, societal norms, and gender expectations. The pain of exclusion was significant, but leaving such environments was only the beginning; healing was essential.

The Path to Healing: Embracing Authenticity

While companies promote authenticity, the reality often involves a resurgence of unsolicited advice that pressures individuals to conform. To fit in, many suppress aspects of themselves, which is exhausting.

If I heeded all the advice given, I would lose my identity entirely, morphing into a programmed entity devoid of emotion. I would speak in a monotone, wear unadorned outfits to avoid distractions, and suppress my enthusiasm to appease others.

This tendency to conform is understandable—it's a survival instinct. In many organizations, those who dissent are often let go, leading the remaining staff to adapt by agreeing with the prevailing views.

Ultimately, the incessant advice directed at women reduces them to mere shadows of themselves, undermining the richness of their individuality. My healing journey has centered around embracing my authentic self within my community. Over the past few years, I’ve recognized that I may not resonate with everyone, but when I do connect with individuals or organizations, it often leads to profound relationships and a sense of belonging.

About Me: Hi, I’m Courtney! My mission is to infuse workplaces with authenticity and soul. I am a certified counselor, HR professional, and culture advisor. Discover more about my work at courtneybranson.com.