Embracing Self-Trust for True Freedom
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I’m approaching my 40th birthday in just a couple of weeks. It feels surreal to realize that I am about to reach that milestone, yet it’s also astonishing to acknowledge that I am only just stepping into this new phase of life.
Throughout 2022, I’ve grappled with the conflicting sensations of time speeding by while simultaneously dragging on. It’s a strange duality, one that makes perfect sense in its own right. Years can feel both swift and sluggish, a sentiment many can likely relate to, regardless of where they stand on life’s timeline—whether it’s 40, 30, 20, or even 80.
With this impending birthday, I find myself engaging in deep, contemplative self-reflection. These moments aren’t the usual spirals of anxiety that often lead to lengthy written ruminations. Instead, they’re light and airy thoughts, like fluffy clouds floating by, demanding my attention. I take a moment to lie down and reflect as they drift overhead.
I mentally sift through my achievements, regrets, and the myriad experiences that have shaped my journey—roads taken, roads avoided, moments of joy and sorrow. I think about my scars—some healed, others still tender—and the untouched parts of me that remain unmarked. Some paths have been painful, while others were self-imposed burdens. I recognize that I can’t always blame the circumstances; most of the time, they don’t deserve the blame.
Looking back, I realize I’ve been quite fortunate. I’ve found my way to a comfortable place in life. While I can’t say I’d have navigated it any better, I remain committed to striving for improvement as long as I have the breath to do so.
Yet, one cloud stands out—a darker shade among the rest, occasionally bringing a gentle mist. It jolts me into deeper thought, and as I wipe the moisture from my brow, the realization hits me with the clarity of sunlight: I’ve wasted an incredible amount of time. Not in the ways I initially assumed, but in a more profound sense that encompasses all those wasted moments combined.
My Time Mismanaged
Like anyone, I have my share of regrets. I’ve worn the same unremarkable outfit—a cap, zip-up hoodie, v-neck shirt, relaxed-fit jeans, and sneakers—for what feels like decades. I left my dream college after two years and abandoned multiple career paths without much thought. I could have treated my first love with more kindness, particularly during our breakup.
I regret falling too deeply in love with certain indulgences, like craft beers and whiskey. I certainly didn’t need to pick up that pack of cigarettes on a somber August evening 20 years ago, right after my grandfather passed away.
I wish I had paid more attention to my credit score, which has languished in the realm of “no mortgage in your future.” Yet, paradoxically, I also think I might have been better off caring less about it. There’s a unique purgatory that exists between feeling frustrated enough to hate oneself and not frustrated enough to take action. But there’s one state worse than that, which I’ll touch on shortly.
Despite the missteps and poor choices, I’ve found that even the rocky paths have led to valuable experiences. Some of these stories, while embarrassing, have become entertaining anecdotes or even quasi-heroic tales. Those moments weren’t truly wasted, even if I was.
The most significant loss of time comes not from the memorable experiences I wish to forget but from the countless unremarkable moments that add up to years—no, decades.
The greatest time lost is tied to every occasion I failed to trust myself. Each moment of doubt, fear, and negative self-perception shrank my spirit and veered me off course. The energy spent trying to compensate for my inaction was the real waste—a drain on my mental bandwidth, filled with self-inflicted shame.
Above All, Trust Yourself
Melody Wilding, LMSW, has authored a book titled Trust Yourself, which I highly recommend. The principles she outlines are applicable beyond work and resonate in our personal lives. The essence of overcoming fear, doubt, and insecurity lies in nurturing self-trust.
When you trust yourself, you cultivate an unwavering belief that you can provide for your needs and seek the answers to your questions, no matter how big or small.
Such individuals do exist, and they often lead fulfilling lives. They’ve felt the fear but acted regardless, finding comfort within themselves through resilience and courage. While other admirable qualities exist, I believe none are as crucial as self-trust if you wish to live authentically and pursue your highest aspirations. Some people develop this belief early in life, while others, like me, are still catching up.
If you find yourself in that latter group, I hope this essay serves as a useful guide—not just a personal reflection.
11 Strategies to Build Self-Trust
The journey toward self-trust can be unclear and fraught with challenges, but here are eleven guiding principles to help navigate the path:
- Avoid certain individuals who cultivate doubt, fear, and overthinking—those naysayers and critics.
- Make and keep promises to yourself. Honor your commitments, however small.
- Challenge negative self-talk. When you catch yourself criticizing, question its validity and reframe it more kindly.
- Practice solitude intentionally. Spend regular time alone, away from distractions, to listen and learn.
- Maintain a personal resume and eulogy. Celebrate your achievements and character; speak of yourself positively.
- Take calculated risks. Most rewards require a leap of faith; embrace opportunities to reignite your passion.
- Prioritize self-care. Eat well, exercise, and sleep enough; these basics are essential for mental health.
- Seek support. Talk with friends or a therapist who can provide a sounding board.
- Leverage your strengths. Focus on what you excel at, and confidently say no to what drains you.
- Avoid micromanaging yourself. Life isn’t rigid; allow for flexibility and creativity in your journey.
- Release the past and future. Live in the present; what’s done is behind you, and the future is yet to come.
These reminders serve both you and me. I still need to hear them, as I occasionally find myself squandering time—though less frequently now. One crucial aspect remains: to trust yourself, you must first accept who you are, not just who you think you’ve been.
Freedom Is an Internal Journey
Constantly questioning your worth is exhausting. Wondering if you’re good enough or if people will appreciate your work drains your energy and compounds your lack of confidence.
While self-awareness is vital, consider accepting yourself as human—not flawless, but capable of excellence and deserving of growth. This acceptance paves the way for true self-trust, moving beyond superficial confidence.
You are not special; you’re human. Embracing this truth can liberate you from the need to prove your worth. The weight of wondering if you’re “enough” can be lifted. You can acknowledge your fears without allowing them to dictate your life choices.
This newfound freedom fosters kindness and authenticity in your actions. You can pivot with ease, focus on what matters to you, and tackle complex challenges with vigor.
As I approach 40, filled with a mix of achievements and regrets, I assure you that trusting yourself makes life easier. It allows you to live authentically and act decisively, knowing that your existence is valid and meaningful.
Life presents enough decisions; don’t add the burden of constantly reassessing your worth. That kind of mental gymnastics is draining and counterproductive. Trust me; I’ve squandered plenty of time and am far from getting any younger.
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