Failure can be a disheartening experience.

Human instinct often leads us to avoid dwelling on failure, swiftly moving on while hoping for better outcomes in the future. Many believe that we inherently bounce back from setbacks, emerging as improved versions of ourselves. It is true that difficult experiences, under certain circumstances, can inspire us, enhance resilience, fortify our character, and reignite our ambition. However, whether these positive transformations occur hinges on what we genuinely take away from our challenges and how these lessons influence our future endeavors.

Yet, failure can often leave us feeling utterly drained.

Years ago, I faced a significant setback when applying to graduate school due to poor planning and misjudgments regarding an entrance exam. Though the outcome fell short of my expectations, I adapted, gleaned insights from the experience, and seized the opportunities that followed. While I still felt disappointed by the exam results, my viewpoint shifted — I began to appreciate the outcome and learned to avoid similar pitfalls in the future.

Failure has gained a certain popularity in discourse.

Common beliefs about the advantages of failure have permeated our culture. In her book, The Gift of Failure, Jessica Leahy discusses how children's experiences of failure can lay the groundwork for future development. Malcolm Gladwell introduces the concept of the "10,000-hour rule" in Outliers, asserting that exceptionally successful individuals invest extensive time and effort to achieve their goals. While both Leahy and Gladwell present valuable insights, these widely accepted notions have led to misconceptions that failure is crucial for learning and that anyone can reach their aspirations with enough effort.

We instinctively understand that practicing for 10,000 hours can enhance our skills, but it doesn't guarantee that we will become the next Einstein, Yo-Yo Ma, or LeBron James. Each person brings their unique skills, traits, and interests to the table. While practice is essential, it seldom ensures success, particularly if our expectations are unrealistic.

Furthermore, we may be overestimating the advantages gained from failure.

Recent research by Northwestern University's Lauren Eskreis-Winkler and her team reveals that individuals frequently overrate the benefits of failure, believing it will naturally lead to necessary adjustments that foster success. Their analysis of 11 studies uncovered that people often misjudge the extent of the lasting change that follows setbacks.

> “People thought that tens of thousands of professionals who fail standardized tests would go on to pass (who do not), that tens of thousands of people with addiction would get sober (who do not), and that tens of thousands of heart failure patients would improve their health (in fact, they do not),” Eskreis-Winkler and colleagues noted.

In my clinical practice, I have encountered clients who harbor unrealistic expectations for immediate recovery following significant failures. Their harsh self-criticism exacerbates their pain, as they struggle to recognize the necessary learning that must occur to reach their goals. Eskreis-Winkler's research also highlights that failure does not automatically translate into improved behavior without appropriate guidance on how to change. Effective strategies for learning from failure (explored further below) and specific tools are essential.

The nature of the task itself influences our learning journey. We tend to learn best when challenges are reasonable, engaging, and aligned with our capabilities, without being overly demanding.

As discussed in a previous article, we often intuitively gauge the adequacy of a challenge, recognizing when it becomes overwhelming and whether it will motivate us. Most studies indicate that individuals select tasks at an intermediate level of difficulty — neither too simple nor excessively challenging. Cognitive scientist Robert Wilson and his team identified that the ideal task difficulty should be approximately 85% of what an individual can achieve. According to Wilson, “When we learn something new, like a language or musical instrument, we often seek challenges at the edge of our competence — not so hard that we are discouraged, but not so easy that we get bored.”

How we perceive failure impacts our willingness to try again.

If we believe that failure will automatically lead to success (without any necessary learning, training, or guidance), we may set ourselves up for further disappointment.

> “Telling people they will succeed after failure may make them feel better, [but] that mindset can have damaging real-world consequences… People who believe that problems will self-correct after failure are less motivated to help those in need,” Eskreis-Winkler explained.

However, Eskreis-Winkler found that when individuals are made aware of the negative repercussions of failure, their beliefs can shift. In subsequent studies, participants showed increased willingness to support funding for rehabilitation and drug treatment initiatives after learning about the low recovery rates without proper treatment.

The blame game only exacerbates the situation.

Regrettably, some educational institutions also embrace the notion that failure is beneficial. Students are often criticized for lacking motivation or "grit," when in reality, they may simply lack the skills, abilities, or training necessary to progress. This issue is particularly pronounced in schools serving a high proportion of students from low-income backgrounds or communities of color. When educators encourage students to develop grit through motivational speeches rather than actionable skills, they often receive blank stares. This approach inadvertently perpetuates a “blame-the-victim” mentality, leaving students feeling demoralized rather than inspired after experiencing failure.

The blame culture is prevalent in both educational and corporate environments, as noted by Harvard business professor Amy Edmondson. She argues that organizations could enhance success strategies by fostering a safe atmosphere where employees feel comfortable admitting their mistakes instead of concealing failures or shifting blame. Edmondson highlights the misconceptions that hinder learning from failure:

> “Left to our own devices, most of us will speed through or avoid failure analysis altogether… Analyzing organizational failures requires inquiry and openness, patience, and a tolerance for causal ambiguity. Yet managers typically admire and are rewarded for decisiveness, efficiency, and action — not thoughtful reflection… The challenge is more than emotional; it’s cognitive, too. Even without meaning to, we all favor evidence that supports our existing beliefs rather than alternative explanations. We also tend to downplay our responsibility and place undue blame on external or situational factors when we fail, only to do the reverse when assessing the failures of others.”

What can you do to shift your perspective on failure?

My high school art instructor once said, “The first 500 watercolors are just for practice.” While this statement was disheartening and challenged my youthful impatience, it helped contextualize my unremarkable artwork. I no longer sought perfection; instead, I viewed art as a journey of learning and refining my skills (even if my modest talents were never destined for stardom!).

Transforming our beliefs about the advantages of failure requires time and effort. A compassionate and realistic evaluation of our strengths, weaknesses, and current skills can enable us to recover and even learn from setbacks.

Here are several quick tips:

1. Identify what bolsters your efforts and recognize your obstacles, including the external and internal expectations that shape your views on failure and success. This may involve finding a “study buddy,” minimizing distractions from your phone and other devices, developing more effective practice strategies (which will be explored in a future article), or learning to set more achievable goals.
2. Delve deeper to understand why your best efforts may falter. Instead of quickly moving on post-failure, both businesses and individuals must “go beyond the obvious and superficial reasons for [failure] to understand the root causes,” according to Edmondson. “This requires the discipline — better yet, the enthusiasm — to use sophisticated analysis to ensure that the right lessons are learned and the right remedies are employed.”
3. Learn how to derive lessons from failure. Employing metacognitive strategies, which involve reflecting on and analyzing your thinking while assessing your performance, can help you choose a different approach next time. Research by Meghan Bathgate and her colleagues demonstrated how metacognition helped music students enhance their practice strategies and subsequent performances. By paying close attention to your thought processes, you can better prepare for future challenges.
4. Be mindful when you fall into patterns of avoidance, procrastination, or negative self-beliefs that undermine your efforts. Your perception of failure — whether you attribute it to bad luck, personal flaws, or skill deficiencies — will influence how you tackle similar tasks in the future. Recognize how negative or distorted self-talk can derail your progress and lead to decreased productivity.
5. Accept that everyone has a learning curve, and success is rarely achieved on the first (or five hundredth) attempt, as I learned from my art teacher. Allow yourself the time to develop the skills you need while also refining your practice strategies. Maintain reasonable and realistic expectations. You don’t have to achieve fame to enjoy your efforts; celebrate even minor improvements over time in yourself or others.
6. Consider failure as a lesson in priorities and life choices. Sometimes we can learn and enhance our skills, but at other times, it's necessary to recognize that a task, relationship, or job might not be right for us. In such cases, changing direction may be the most prudent choice.

Failure can be disheartening. As I’ve noted before, “It stings when, Wham!, we are reminded of our vulnerability and imperfections. However, if we can compassionately forgive our shortcomings and accept our limited ability to control events, we can ultimately grow from the experience.”

We must also acknowledge that others face struggles similar to our own. By maintaining a realistic view of others’ failures, we can understand that progress does not automatically follow setbacks. This awareness may lead us to be more forgiving of both our own and others’ limitations, while also recognizing the crucial role of learning, skill-building, and guidance in achieving success.