# Asteroid Apophis and Political Blame: A Satirical Overview
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Chapter 1: Apophis Approaches
Recently, a little-known fact has surfaced from the scientific realm: a massive asteroid, comparable in size to the Empire State Building, is set to pass close to Earth in 2029. Known as 99942 Apophis, this cosmic object threatens to disrupt multiple communication satellites, much to the dismay of former President Donald J. Trump.
In a post on Truth Social, he stated, “This incident could have been avoided if it weren’t for the fraudulent 2020 election. It’s an ABSOLUTE DISGRACE that Sleepy Joe Biden and his allies in Ukraine want to conceal Hunter Biden’s alleged war crimes. What will FAKE NEWS do? Nothing! This is the end of civilization, and Biden is to blame! And let’s not forget CROOKED HILLARY!”
Vladimir Putin, a close ally of Trump, echoed these sentiments, claiming that the asteroid was a diversion from Hunter Biden's purported misconduct. “This so-called deadly asteroid is just a false flag operation designed to distract from the biological weapons Hunter Biden was supposedly developing for the United States. We have photographic evidence to support this.”
The pictures in question show tankers marked with Russian text, leading to speculation about their authenticity. Putin asserted that the use of Russian was intended to frame him for any ensuing chaos. “They will manipulate images of the asteroid crashing into Ukraine to shift the blame onto me,” he remarked. “The Western media will stop at nothing to tarnish my reputation.”
Section 1.1: Republican Reaction
Republican leaders have also voiced their anger regarding Apophis’ trajectory, suggesting it symbolizes Biden's lack of commitment to safeguarding Earth. During a Senate address, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell declared, “Our latest invader is a stark representation of Biden’s ineffective immigration strategies. We will not entertain any legislation that doesn’t prevent it from breaching our planetary borders.”
In the meantime, members of groups like the Minuteman Project and Three Percenters have pledged to develop spacecraft capable of patrolling Earth’s borders to thwart any future incursions by unauthorized celestial bodies. Texas Governor Greg Abbott has made Apophis a focal point of his campaign, stating, “Illegal asteroid immigrants were never a concern until the Biden/Hillary Cabal ousted Donald Trump from his rightful position. Now they’re at our doorstep, and I am the only one who can stop them!”
Subsection 1.1.1: Democrats Join the Fray
Democratic Senator Joe Manchin has aligned with the GOP, asserting that he would oppose any initiatives aimed at relocating or replacing satellites endangered by the asteroid. “The deficit is already significant, and who will miss Netflix? We all know ‘Netflix and chill’ is just code for drug use. I refuse to let taxpayer money support drug users by keeping their satellites operational.”
Chapter 2: Diverse Perspectives on Apophis
In a related video, “Apophis, The Asteroid That Could Hit Earth In 2029,” experts discuss the implications of this asteroid's approach. The potential for destruction and its political repercussions are examined in detail.
Another video, “2029 Earth Encounter Impact On Apophis Asteroid,” explores how this approaching asteroid could impact Earth and the narratives surrounding it.
Some groups, however, view the impending arrival of Apophis with excitement. QAnon enthusiasts are heralding the asteroid as the vehicle for the return of John F. Kennedy and his son in 2029. “We had the location right but the date wrong,” a post on their forum stated. “Adding 7 to 2022 gives us 2029, the year of the comet’s arrival and the return of Kennedy.”
Meanwhile, members of the Christian Right express varying levels of concern, with some confident that they will be raptured before the asteroid arrives. Pat Robertson, on the PTL Network, suggested that the asteroid may actually serve as Jesus’ chariot for the rapture. “I believe that when Apophis arrives, Jesus will be at the helm. Praise the Lord!” His ministry is even selling tickets for the occasion, promising a celebratory event upon the asteroid's arrival.
Section 2.1: Space Race for Apophis
Business magnates like Richard Branson, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos are competing to create the first craft to land on Apophis. Bezos has announced that Blue Origin’s shuttle has already sold all 24 seats at an astonishing $50 million each, while Branson claims his tickets are priced at $75 million, calling Bezos’ rates exorbitant. Musk is currently waiting to finalize his pricing until his craft is fully electric.
Asteroid Update
Sources close to Apophis reveal that the asteroid is enjoying its newfound fame. It has garnered more mentions and followers than any other celestial body on NASA’s registry, even inspiring fan sites, groupies, and a cult known as “Haven’s Back Door.”
Apophis’ new manager, 4Q Ticktuck, tweeted, “In just a few weeks, Apophis has evolved from a mere curiosity to a major social influencer. We are incredibly proud of our fan base.” Ticktuck has confirmed endorsement deals with brands like Coca Cola, Nike, and the 2028 Summer Olympics, which plans to send a delegation to place a replica of the Olympic flame at the asteroid’s peak.
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